I sat on the edge of a couch. Usually it means I’m nervous, but I was completely peaceful. Too peaceful. My breath was slow or I didn’t breathe at all. As if I would try not to breathe. You sat next to me lazily winking your eyes and putting your hear away form your forehead. You touched my hand and I pulled it away. You put your hand on my shoulder and I moved away. I didn’t open my eyes. I hoped that you will leave if I won’t want to see you. But you didn’t understand. Or you didn’t want to understand. When you tried to say something I moaned quietly and you went silent again. But you didn’t go away. I even didn’t know do I want you to go. I opened my eyes and sat in couch more comfortably. And you moved next to me, so we were close together. And this time I didn’t move away, but allowed your hand to rest on mine interlacing our fingers. I didn’t have strength to fight back. Reality stepped away and you were good again. For a few minutes you were sweet and nice, careful and attentive. Interested. The grasp of your hand slowly loosened.  And then I remembered that you don’t care about that and that you even don’t feel it. Reality swiftly came back and I didn’t try to wipe it away, but sat on the edge of coach again. You were too lazy to do the same thing. And you didn’t care that I was sitting there. For you it was an edge of the coach, for me – closeness of an abyss. Eyes closed, so I couldn’t see that abyss. It’s easier to fall in it, if you don’t see it. Only one small step and I would be in it. And you would have given a sigh, puckered you face, stood up and went away. But I couldn’t take that step. Stubbornly I refused to obey myself and obeyed you. I sat more comfortably in coach and curled up next to you, again ignoring reality, which I should have been listening to. One step to abyss was gone. I had to start to walk again. Once more I’ll have to experience same pain, thoughts and suffering until once again I would stand one step next to abyss and once again I couldn’t take the last step. As always. For the umpteenth time. Your hands wrapped around me suffocating my soul. There was left so few of me and so much of you in my soul that I wanted you to suffocate it and throw it away. I couldn’t be more addicted to you anyway. If human doesn’t have soul, does he feels something anyway? I hope not.
Your hair caressed my cheek sending shivers down my spine. There wouldn’t be any shivers in abyss. But more than everything I was afraid to be alone in that abyss, because there wouldn’t be anyone who would give me hand and pull me out. That’s way I’ll never take that last step. I’ll always come back to you wherever you would be. I breathed in and felt your aroma that burned my eyes and nose. It burned my heart too.
Eyes closed, so I couldn’t see that damn reality!